 photo by Jenny Leigh Hodgins by Jenny Leigh Hodgins As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, the critical thing you must consider is that a loss will impact everyone involved. Grief affects everyone’s ability to function. People normally have differing communication styles, but when under the duress of grief, even with the best of intentions, this can make things stressful. When people are faced with a loss and don’t have a memorial plan in place, this can make handling the memorial a complicated and difficult ordeal for everyone. Bearing this in mind, preparing a basic plan in advance will absolutely lessen the burden of stress. People will be much more able to follow your pre-decided structure and wishes when you have a plan ready. People are comforted and feel supported when there’s a memorial plan with structure to follow. The plan can be somewhat flexible for remaining loved ones. But having something as a guideline can be enormously helpful in reducing stress from those already under emotional turmoil. For a memorial agenda, there’s plenty to consider. In this blog, I’ll cover some things I’ve used in previous memorials. You may want to exclude some things, change or add something personally meaningful to you or loved ones. Memorial services may be as distinctive and unique as the people in the world. When planning your memorial agenda, think about what is meaningful both to you and surviving loved ones. MEMORIAL SETUP CONSIDERATIONS In my blog, How To Ease Burden By Your Loving Preparation, I offer examples of how my father’s memorial plan gave each of our remaining family members a role we could manage. Further, he discussed this plan with each of us multiple times before he died, so we had an idea about our part ahead of time. Even though no one is ever ready for the death of a loved one, my father’s diligence and communication allowed each of us to prepare ourselves to a degree for his memorial. Knowing anything about what to expect is useful to those in a stressful situation. As I offer things to consider for a memorial agenda, I take the perspective of not relying on a funeral home or religious staff, to allow for more variety of spiritual and religious preferences as well as financial situations. However, even if you’re paying for funeral services, some things may not be automatically included, or you may need to specify your preferences. Particularly if you’re not paying a funeral service or relying on the staff of a religious facility, you (or surviving loved ones) are the only one who can decide what you’d like included in the service. The following ideas are in no particular order, are not inclusive, and there may be things you’d like omitted. But these will at least give you an idea of things that go on behind a smoothly run memorial. I hope this will prompt your personal thoughts about the situation. CONSIDER ASSIGNING ROLES & TEAMWORK You may want to consider assigning each person a function and/or teams, to assure that no single person is overburdened by tasks. Think about the personalities and skillsets of your surviving loved ones to coordinate memorial tasks appropriately within each person’s wheelhouse. Someone whose job involves public speaking or facilitating others may be more comfortable giving a eulogy than a shy, introverted person. Perhaps that quiet person is good at crafts, and would be more comfortable placed in charge of creating a photo display board for the lobby or front of the room. Giving attention to these details may be significant and meaningful to those grieving the loss of a loved one. Involving each person with a task or role suitable to them and their relationship to the deceased gives a sense of closure and comfort for all involved. HOW TO SETUP THE ROOM You will need to sort out how to setup the room for the memorial. Pending the place of the memorial, you’ll need to estimate how many chairs will be needed. Decide whether a row of space between chairs will be necessary to accommodate people sharing eulogies, performances, for observing flower and/or photo displays, or an open casket viewing, and so on. Since my father opted for cremation, we didn’t have (nor pay for) an open casket for viewing. That meant we also didn't need pallbearers, or to arrange a trip (or provide directions) from the service to a cemetery for the burial (another potential cost). Instead, his ashes were in a box at the front of the room, next to a large photo of him. For my friend’s memorial, since she practiced Buddhism, her Buddhist friends desired to setup a traditional incense-burning ritual at the front of the room. For that, the setup required two tables on either side of the row or chairs, two tablecloths, flowers in vases displayed next to her framed large photos, and incense containers. The tables were setup in front of the Buddhist prayer altar (which was provided by the Buddhist community center). We cleared a row between the chairs so people could more easily come and go to offer their prayers and incense to my friend’s eternal peace and happiness. Since my father’s service was held in my parent’s church, we didn't have to setup or provide anything other than his photo and program agenda. The seating, a podium and microphone for those sharing eulogies, a built-in sound system for recorded music, and a grand piano were already available. These are two examples to show the need to contemplate things like:
WHAT ABOUT THE MUSIC & SOUND SYSTEM? Determine what space will be used and whether there needs to be a sound system, the proper cords to play recorded music (if used), a microphone, microphone stand, podium, and any musical instruments available. If there are musicians involved, ask them what they need. Often, musicians come prepared with whatever electronic gadgets, cords or instruments are needed for their performance. But pending the performer’s experience, some do not come prepared. If they run into obstacles due to travel or time issues, they may not be able to provide these items. Plan ahead so that any performers attending have to focus only on their creative tribute to the loved one. The most common things necessary for a musical performance, recorded or live, are:
In some cases, there may be helpful people available who know how to setup the sound system, video, smartphone, laptop or musical instruments. But not always. If having a musical performance, recorded music, or microphone available for people to offer words at the memorial, the technical side is one of the most overlooked aspects of memorial planning. When or if something goes wrong with the sound system, this can add delays, and/or undue stress to those involved. Going back to assigning proper functions to each person, think about having someone good at technology or music in charge of these issues. Make sure to let them know ahead of time so they may be more prepared. Technology and musical instruments take more preparation and have more potential for glitches than anything else in the memorial service. If no one you know is qualified to handle these aspects, reach out well in advance to any staff or volunteers who may be available at the location for the memorial service. Alleviate stress for loved ones by having the names of these volunteers or staff, and the address clearly labeled in your memorial plan. In my upcoming webinar and full course, I’ll go into deeper detail, and offer more suggestions to include in a memorial agenda, including different areas of need for people behind the scenes and in front, more items for setup, memorial program design options, a memorial agenda checklist, and a memorial program planning template. If you don't know where to start with planning a memorial, JOIN MY FREE 5-Day CREATIVE MEMORIAL PLANNING LIVE VIDEO Series! I’d love to hear from you. It means a lot to me that my content is helpful and empowers you. Please take a moment to join the conversation below to let me know if this blog is helpful or if you have questions or suggestions! 🦋🌳I help 50+ adults, caregivers, veterans, & families explore earth-friendly🌳, cost-reducing💰ALTERNATIVES to traditional funeral plans with less or -0- corporate &/or religious involvement—& map out a personalized, meaningful, creative memorial plan.❤️🌻 I provide the step by step journey to relief, peace of mind, huge cost savings, and satisfaction from getting your personalized creative memorial planned. 💰💰💰❤️🌳 🌎 Join my CREATIVE MEMORIAL PLANNING GROUP to access my FREE video series with Reflections For You ebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/creativememorialplanning/ Recommended Reading: 5 Ways to Master Caregiver Learning Curve How To Use Self-Care To Feel Happy Your Troubles Are Your Progress Barometer & Catalyst For Your Full Potential 5 Ways To Use Music & Nature For Self-Care Defeat Fear & Doubt with Your Courage & Capability How To Deflect Negativity To Become Happier Believing In The Positive My Top Tips For Winning Over Insomnia Connect with YOURCREATIVECHORD on Pinterest, Instagram, Twitter, Linkedin and Facebook!
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 Photo by Jenny Leigh Hodgins  Photo © 2019 Jenny Leigh Hodgins By Jenny Leigh Hodgins All goes onward and outward. . . and nothing collapses, And to die is different from what any one supposed, and luckier. —Walt Whitman My father passed away from cancer 5 years ago. Before he got cancer, he diligently put together his will and last wishes. He gave each of his children and my mother the book with his end-of-life plans in it. He frequently bugged each of us to create our own will and prepare our final wishes. My father’s love for his family was exemplified by his preparation. He knew what he was doing for us. We had experienced the trauma of losing my brother in a car accident in 2004. John was 11 days short of turning 29 years of age. Understandably, this impacted all of us deeply. Twenty-nine is not a time you expect death! Planning for my brother’s memorial and dealing with his estate was a challenge complicated by the shock and grief of loss. In contrast, my father had prepared in advance to designate everything he wanted us to have, and a role for each of us to play in his memorial. He chose the exact music, poetry and quotes he wanted us to use. I’m a pianist, so he had me perform his favorite music, Debussy’s Clair de Lune. He asked my flutist sister to perform. Other family members were assigned things to read aloud. As my father was a veteran, my nephew-in-law led the military flag ceremony. My father’s care manifested clearly through his deliberate arrangements. He had thought through the details so we would not have to. He chose the place (my parents’ church), the emcee and faith leader (their minister), honorary pallbearers (friends and extended family), and everything on the memorial agenda. He took the burden of having to think about these things off our shoulders. You may have noticed that my family is multi-talented. My father assigned things he knew were in the wheelhouse of each person. But it doesn’t matter if you include performances in your memorial plan. What matters is having a plan for your memorial. This isn’t a topic limited to caregivers. As my family knows, death is something that can happen to anyone at any time. You may not think it's necessary to discuss. But trust me, you need to hear this. Even if you don’t want a memorial ceremony at all. I'm wearing my big girl pants now because I know it’s important to: • Do the hard things. • Face the difficult. • Feel the fear and do what you need to do anyway. • Initiate the difficult conversations because something needs to be said. And talking about death is the worst, most unappealing topic. Before you click away to escape this conversation, I encourage you to keep reading. Considering your memorial plan is important if you care about anyone else in your life. Most people don't think about this until it's too late. I know from personal experience that if you don't think about this, it will be much harder on you or your loved ones than you want it to be. If you ponder things before they’re needed, you may at least be less devastated by the added stress of memorial planning. It’s an unpleasant conversation. But if you aim well ahead, you or those who lose you won’t have that extra strain. And it’s a real burden I wish upon no one. I’ve been through scenarios after a loved one passed away, where no plan was in place. This left survivors with the double-edged sword of dealing with both the grieving process, and trying to guess at how to handle memorial plans in a way that best honored the deceased. This is hard enough to think about on a good day. But complicated by grief, or, sometimes a common situation where surviving loved ones are not in harmony with each other, or unable to function altogether, and you have a recipe for suffering all around. I want you and your loved ones to avoid that. Your Compassionate Preparation Is For Others The loving thing to do is make a plan. Tell all your loved ones what it is. You may even ask for their input about what would be meaningful for them. Once you’re gone, it’s not about you anymore. It’s about providing the most comforting transition for your surviving loved ones. When thinking about your final wishes, keep this in mind. Everyone will be blown away by loss. I’ve been through the loss of loved ones many times. I’ve helped plan memorial services for more than a dozen people. This is why I know the impact of having versus not having a memorial plan. [Helpful Hint: Your local Hospice provides FREE grief counseling.] How To Plan Ahead For The Worst & Relieve Your Stress I’ve seen how grief deeply affects others. I know it’s important to talk now about things you may need to consider. Best to prepare for a memorial before dealing with grief, as grieving can make it highly difficult to function. Preparation Takes A Load Off Of You Losing a loved one is made a little less painful for you and/or your surviving loved ones if you prepare in advance. Better to have a general plan to handle the worst, than have no plan when that worst moment hits you like a brick. It’s gonna hit you like a brick anyway. But at least with a plan, your grief will not be further compounded. You or your loved ones may also avoid paying more than necessary for services because currently you are not slammed with grief and can function to think about things without bias. I want to ease your burden with this conversation. I don’t care whether you want a memorial service or not. Nor do I care about the cost, the presentation, what you want included, where or who will be involved. Knowing what’s important to you regarding memorial plans for your loved ones, or in preparation for those who will survive you, is the critical point here. Whether To Include Or Exclude Societal Traditions “The average funeral costs between $7,000 and $9,000. This includes viewing and burial, basic service fees, transporting remains to a funeral home, a casket, embalming, and other preparation. The average cost of a funeral with cremation is $6,000 to $7,000. These costs do not include a cemetery, monument, marker, or other things like flowers.” —Lincoln Heritage Funeral Advantage According to Policy Genius, funeral costs have risen by a whopping 227.1% in the last 30 years, and total costs average between $18,000 - $28,000. Think About Ways To Save Money & Keep Things Simple Funeral arrangements have developed as a societal tradition. From ceremonies to burials, there are many things to consider. Knowing your options may lead you to decide to include or exclude some or all of these traditions. You, not a funeral company or your religious institution, are in charge of what happens. Your life insurance policy (if you opt for one) may cover some or all funeral costs. If you pay a funeral business for your end-of-life services, they may or may not cover some of the things mentioned here (or future blogs in this series). They will definitely charge you money for all their services. Some religious institutions hold funeral services, and the religious staff or ministry may have their specific ideas for how they’re handled. You may have limited funds, making it difficult or impossible to afford paid funeral services. You may also prefer more freedom to control memorial plans than your religious institution may approve. Bear these points in mind as you consider your ultimate wishes. I cannot emphasize enough that grief can make it challenging for you to be clear-headed about memorial services. Since a funeral home is a business, be aware that they probably won’t be guiding you toward the least expensive options. If you don’t care about expense, or if appearances are more important to you, you'll be in a good position for the inevitable presentation of more expensive options; embalming, an elaborate casket, grave site plots, tombstones, the cost of the burial, ushers available at the memorial ceremony, etc. If you opt for cremation, be prepared for a pricey selection of urns, and the cost of a presentation of the urn at the memorial service (in essence, the urn will sit on top of a larger box). Taking The Environment Into Account If formality is less important to you, or if finances are an issue, consider the fact that everything buried will disintegrate. There are far less expensive choices such as opting out of embalming, caskets, burial, tombstones, or even urns. When choosing cremation, embalming may be omitted. You may decide instead of buying an urn, to transfer remaining ashes to a container of your own, or scatter them as part of a memorial ceremony. Another point to recognize is the decrease of available space for burial plots. Concern about protecting our environment is another point in favor of memorial plan simplicity. For this reason, my father chose cremation without an urn. My mother was given his remains in a large box. Our family met at the location where my father had requested his ashes be scattered. We took turns dissipating ashes to honor my father’s wishes. My niece bought uniform glass jars for each of us to respectfully preserve some of the ashes. This lessened the expense for my family and allowed us to choose our own way for closure and as a tribute to my father. No matter which services or presentation style you choose, whether having a plan for funding your memorial, additional funeral services, opting for the simplicity of cremation without an urn, or simply spelling out your final wishes in a will, your thoughtful preparation will take the burden off surviving loved ones. I’d love to hear from you. It means a lot to me that my content is helpful and empowers you. Please take a moment to join the conversation below to let me know if this blog is helpful or if you have questions or suggestions! 🦋🌳I help 50+ adults, caregivers, veterans, & families explore earth-friendly🌳, cost-reducing💰ALTERNATIVES to traditional funeral plans with less or -0- corporate &/or religious involvement—& map out a personalized, meaningful, creative memorial plan. ❤️🌻 I provide the step by step journey to relief, peace of mind, huge cost savings, and satisfaction from getting your personalized creative memorial planned. 💰💰💰❤️🌳 🌎 Join my CREATIVE MEMORIAL PLANNING GROUP to access my FREE video series with Reflections For You ebook. Recommended Reading: 5 Ways to Master Caregiver Learning Curve HOW TO USE SELF-CARE TO FEEL HAPPY Your Troubles Are Your Progress Barometer & Catalyst For Your Full Potential 5 Ways To Use Music & Nature For Self-Care Defeat Fear & Doubt with Your Courage & Capability How To Deflect Negativity To Become Happier Believing In The Positive My Top Tips For Winning Over Insomnia Connect with YOURCREATIVECHORD on Pinterest, Instagram, Twitter, Linkedin and Facebook! |
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