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by Jenny Leigh Hodgins
One of the alternatives to traditional funeral plans explored in Creative Memorial Planning Facebook group is the involvement of a death doula. I spoke with Australia-based Death Educator, Doula, Trainer, and Clinical Hypnotherapist Denise Love about how an end-of-life-doula serves families as an alternative to a traditional funeral plan. Drop an #aha if anything in our conversation resonates with you! Ask questions freely! Contact Denise Love to learn more about involving a death doula in your end of life plans. I help 50+ adults and families explore earth-friendly, cost-reducing alternatives to traditional funeral plans with less or zero corporate or religious involvement and map out your personalized, meaningful, creative memorial plan. Get the step by step journey to relief, peace of mind, huge cost savings, and satisfaction from getting your personalized creative memorial planned.
Join Creative Memorial Planning Facebook Group to catch REPLAYS from my 5-day virtual event, SUNSET SUMMIT.
Learn about alternatives to traditional funerals and end of life plans that are more gentle, comforting, cost-reducing, and planet-friendly. SUNSET SUMMIT featured a variety of experts offering ways for transforming your Golden Chapter of life with earth-friendly, personalized, cost-reducing, and meaningful end of life services and support. For a limited time you may watch the REPLAYS from experts who presented throughout the 5-day event. You'll hear from death educators, transition doulas, and grief therapists. You'll gain educational information on support for caregivers, midlife wellness experts, and learn more about earth-friendly, gentler alternatives to traditional end of life planning. SUNSET SUMMIT is ONLY available to Creative Memorial Planning Facebook Group members.
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 Kentucky summer sunset photo by Jenny Leigh Hodgins. (Photo links to YCC's Instagram.)  Sample obituary template by YourCreativeChord.com by Jenny Leigh Hodgins If you don't know where to start with planning a memorial, this is part of a series of blogs on this topic. Read the first blog here: How To Ease Burden By Your Loving Preparation. THINGS TO CONSIDER BEFORE YOU SUFFER A LOSS In many different scenarios, I’ve stood by to watch my family members and friends be completely and utterly unable to function when facing the loss of a loved one. Due to lack of planning, or when others were nonfunctional, I handled some challenging things. I’ve held the sacred honor of being present enough to step up and fulfill various roles so that the grieving process and public rituals for the deceased could be honored as respectfully as possible. From making phone calls to inform others of the sad news, planning memorial agendas, writing obituaries and creating memorial programs, to composing and performing piano or vocal music, or leading spoken eulogies, I’ve worn many hats with regard to the sad, difficult time of loss. It was gut-wrenching for me each time. Through my personal anguish, and the torment of seeing others I care for going through their sorrow, I also saw firsthand the things that heaped more insult to this injury of the heart. Loss is something we must all endure one day. Death knocks on every door at some point. I don’t claim to be an expert at memorial planning. There are as many different ways to handle an end-of-life situation as there are people in the world. I humbly embrace my experiences with these ending chapters, though, and want to offer help by sharing my knowledge of things to consider. WHERE TO START WHEN DEALING WITH LOSS Facing the suffering of loss and grief is complex, grueling and exhausting. It’s necessary to find a way through this process and manage communication to others, and a ceremony, service or ritual for closure that is comforting to you and others experiencing loss. Even if your plan excludes a public or traditional memorial service, informing those you love about your preferences alleviates confusion and pain after you’re gone. Dealing with this can be more excruciating when you don’t have a plan. I’ve personally witnessed tragic situations of sudden loss, where no plan was in place. Grieving people have difficulty thinking, concentrating, communicating, or even functioning. This causes tremendous angst for surviving loved ones. Communication in this context can be incomplete, chaotic, and confusing. This adds to further stress for everyone involved. No matter how you want to handle this, it’s important to think about it before you need a plan, so that your suffering and that of others is alleviated. When there is a plan in place, though grief is still unavoidable, there is at least a structure to follow. This takes the pressure off of you and others experiencing loss, so you may go through the motions of whatever ritual you or your loved one has in place. Not having to figure it out or think about it or communicate with others who are grieving too, makes everything a little easier for everyone involved. HOW TO PREPARE YOUR END-OF-LIFE STORY People need to be informed when someone has died. Getting an obituary published in a local newspaper and/or through a funeral home’s website is a common way to make the unpleasant announcement. Things you need to consider include having an obituary ready. If finances are an issue, there are ways to get the word out with the least expense. HOW TO SAVE MONEY WHEN YOU NEED AN OBITUARY A written, publicly posted obituary is especially important if you want friends and family to attend the memorial. This lessens your burden of making calls or sending messages while you are under duress. If finances are an issue, it’s even more important to plan ahead. Writing an obituary can be stressful enough without having to worry about the cost. Be aware that having an obituary printed through a funeral business, or directly with the local newspaper, can be costly. Though the funeral company may offer to send in the obituary, they generally will not bring this expense to your attention. Instead, you will later receive the bill from the newspaper. You should also know that if you write more than a few lines for the obituary, that will easily run the printing cost to more than $800. WRITE TWO OBITUARY VERSIONS You can save this cost by creating a short version. If you submit only the most basic details for newspaper publication, and specify this shortened version to the funeral business, the newspaper’s shortened obituary version will cost you nothing. Create a short version using only the most basic details, such as the name of deceased, date of death, time and place of memorial services. Here is a simple example of a short version obituary that will cost nothing: “Danielle (Dannie) Lewis Ford, 55, passed away June 17, 2018. Join a celebration of Dannie’s life, June 28, 6pm at Greenleaf Funeral Home. Visitation from 5pm.” Even this minimal information could cost something if your word choices extend past a few lines. The funeral home should be able to clarify whether your wording will print free of charge. If not, consider shortening the sentences to keep things concise. Some may feel that this brief amount of words doesn’t do justice to those we’ve lost. Fortunately, most funeral companies also allow a longer and fully detailed obituary to be posted on their company website. You may then share the link from that website with your social media, or by email or text free of charge. THINGS TO INCLUDE IN AN OBITUARY For the longer version, you may include as much information on the deceased as you want. You may use my example below as a template, by replacing the information with your own. You may want to include the birthplace and date, accomplishments such as education or awards, military service, and career milestones. Surviving family and close friends are often listed in an obituary. You may also wish to include things that were important to your loved one, like their favorite subjects, hobbies, charities, causes, religious affiliations, and so on. You may include as much information as you desire in this longer version without incurring cost. Sharing comforting quotes or poetry, and even a photo collage may be submitted for the funeral company to upload onto your designated obituary tribute. Your words allow surviving loved ones to remember treasured memories, shared experiences, and personality traits that made this person special to all who were acquainted. Below is an example of a longer version, suitable for the funeral home’s website. Feel free to use this as a template to prepare an obituary. Having one as a reference is a great relief to those who will be there when you’re gone. I know this is a delicate and emotionally taxing topic for all. But if you get a few things in order well in advance of need, you and your loved ones will rest easy and at peace. I’d love to hear from you. It means a lot to me that my content is helpful and empowers you. Please take a moment to join the conversation below to let me know if this blog is helpful or if you have questions or suggestions! If you don't know where to start with planning a memorial, JOIN MY CREATIVE MEMORIAL PLANNING FACEBOOK GROUP! Recommended Reading: 5 Ways to Master Caregiver Learning Curve HOW TO USE SELF-CARE TO FEEL HAPPY How To Ease Burden By Your Loving Preparation Your Troubles Are Your Progress Barometer & Catalyst For Your Full Potential 5 Ways To Use Music & Nature For Self-Care Defeat Fear & Doubt with Your Courage & Capability How To Deflect Negativity To Become Happier Believing In The Positive My Top Tips For Winning Over Insomnia Connect with YOURCREATIVECHORD on Pinterest, Instagram, Twitter, Linkedin and Facebook!  photo by Jenny Leigh Hodgins by Jenny Leigh Hodgins As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, the critical thing you must consider is that a loss will impact everyone involved. Grief affects everyone’s ability to function. People normally have differing communication styles, but when under the duress of grief, even with the best of intentions, this can make things stressful. When people are faced with a loss and don’t have a memorial plan in place, this can make handling the memorial a complicated and difficult ordeal for everyone. Bearing this in mind, preparing a basic plan in advance will absolutely lessen the burden of stress. People will be much more able to follow your pre-decided structure and wishes when you have a plan ready. People are comforted and feel supported when there’s a memorial plan with structure to follow. The plan can be somewhat flexible for remaining loved ones. But having something as a guideline can be enormously helpful in reducing stress from those already under emotional turmoil. For a memorial agenda, there’s plenty to consider. In this blog, I’ll cover some things I’ve used in previous memorials. You may want to exclude some things, change or add something personally meaningful to you or loved ones. Memorial services may be as distinctive and unique as the people in the world. When planning your memorial agenda, think about what is meaningful both to you and surviving loved ones. MEMORIAL SETUP CONSIDERATIONS In my blog, How To Ease Burden By Your Loving Preparation, I offer examples of how my father’s memorial plan gave each of our remaining family members a role we could manage. Further, he discussed this plan with each of us multiple times before he died, so we had an idea about our part ahead of time. Even though no one is ever ready for the death of a loved one, my father’s diligence and communication allowed each of us to prepare ourselves to a degree for his memorial. Knowing anything about what to expect is useful to those in a stressful situation. As I offer things to consider for a memorial agenda, I take the perspective of not relying on a funeral home or religious staff, to allow for more variety of spiritual and religious preferences as well as financial situations. However, even if you’re paying for funeral services, some things may not be automatically included, or you may need to specify your preferences. Particularly if you’re not paying a funeral service or relying on the staff of a religious facility, you (or surviving loved ones) are the only one who can decide what you’d like included in the service. The following ideas are in no particular order, are not inclusive, and there may be things you’d like omitted. But these will at least give you an idea of things that go on behind a smoothly run memorial. I hope this will prompt your personal thoughts about the situation. CONSIDER ASSIGNING ROLES & TEAMWORK You may want to consider assigning each person a function and/or teams, to assure that no single person is overburdened by tasks. Think about the personalities and skillsets of your surviving loved ones to coordinate memorial tasks appropriately within each person’s wheelhouse. Someone whose job involves public speaking or facilitating others may be more comfortable giving a eulogy than a shy, introverted person. Perhaps that quiet person is good at crafts, and would be more comfortable placed in charge of creating a photo display board for the lobby or front of the room. Giving attention to these details may be significant and meaningful to those grieving the loss of a loved one. Involving each person with a task or role suitable to them and their relationship to the deceased gives a sense of closure and comfort for all involved. HOW TO SETUP THE ROOM You will need to sort out how to setup the room for the memorial. Pending the place of the memorial, you’ll need to estimate how many chairs will be needed. Decide whether a row of space between chairs will be necessary to accommodate people sharing eulogies, performances, for observing flower and/or photo displays, or an open casket viewing, and so on. Since my father opted for cremation, we didn’t have (nor pay for) an open casket for viewing. That meant we also didn't need pallbearers, or to arrange a trip (or provide directions) from the service to a cemetery for the burial (another potential cost). Instead, his ashes were in a box at the front of the room, next to a large photo of him. For my friend’s memorial, since she practiced Buddhism, her Buddhist friends desired to setup a traditional incense-burning ritual at the front of the room. For that, the setup required two tables on either side of the row or chairs, two tablecloths, flowers in vases displayed next to her framed large photos, and incense containers. The tables were setup in front of the Buddhist prayer altar (which was provided by the Buddhist community center). We cleared a row between the chairs so people could more easily come and go to offer their prayers and incense to my friend’s eternal peace and happiness. Since my father’s service was held in my parent’s church, we didn't have to setup or provide anything other than his photo and program agenda. The seating, a podium and microphone for those sharing eulogies, a built-in sound system for recorded music, and a grand piano were already available. These are two examples to show the need to contemplate things like:
WHAT ABOUT THE MUSIC & SOUND SYSTEM? Determine what space will be used and whether there needs to be a sound system, the proper cords to play recorded music (if used), a microphone, microphone stand, podium, and any musical instruments available. If there are musicians involved, ask them what they need. Often, musicians come prepared with whatever electronic gadgets, cords or instruments are needed for their performance. But pending the performer’s experience, some do not come prepared. If they run into obstacles due to travel or time issues, they may not be able to provide these items. Plan ahead so that any performers attending have to focus only on their creative tribute to the loved one. The most common things necessary for a musical performance, recorded or live, are:
In some cases, there may be helpful people available who know how to setup the sound system, video, smartphone, laptop or musical instruments. But not always. If having a musical performance, recorded music, or microphone available for people to offer words at the memorial, the technical side is one of the most overlooked aspects of memorial planning. When or if something goes wrong with the sound system, this can add delays, and/or undue stress to those involved. Going back to assigning proper functions to each person, think about having someone good at technology or music in charge of these issues. Make sure to let them know ahead of time so they may be more prepared. Technology and musical instruments take more preparation and have more potential for glitches than anything else in the memorial service. If no one you know is qualified to handle these aspects, reach out well in advance to any staff or volunteers who may be available at the location for the memorial service. Alleviate stress for loved ones by having the names of these volunteers or staff, and the address clearly labeled in your memorial plan. In my upcoming webinar and full course, I’ll go into deeper detail, and offer more suggestions to include in a memorial agenda, including different areas of need for people behind the scenes and in front, more items for setup, memorial program design options, a memorial agenda checklist, and a memorial program planning template. If you don't know where to start with planning a memorial, JOIN MY FREE 5-Day CREATIVE MEMORIAL PLANNING LIVE VIDEO Series! I’d love to hear from you. It means a lot to me that my content is helpful and empowers you. Please take a moment to join the conversation below to let me know if this blog is helpful or if you have questions or suggestions! 🦋🌳I help 50+ adults, caregivers, veterans, & families explore earth-friendly🌳, cost-reducing💰ALTERNATIVES to traditional funeral plans with less or -0- corporate &/or religious involvement—& map out a personalized, meaningful, creative memorial plan.❤️🌻 I provide the step by step journey to relief, peace of mind, huge cost savings, and satisfaction from getting your personalized creative memorial planned. 💰💰💰❤️🌳 🌎 Join my CREATIVE MEMORIAL PLANNING GROUP to access my FREE video series with Reflections For You ebook: https://www.facebook.com/groups/creativememorialplanning/ Recommended Reading: 5 Ways to Master Caregiver Learning Curve How To Use Self-Care To Feel Happy Your Troubles Are Your Progress Barometer & Catalyst For Your Full Potential 5 Ways To Use Music & Nature For Self-Care Defeat Fear & Doubt with Your Courage & Capability How To Deflect Negativity To Become Happier Believing In The Positive My Top Tips For Winning Over Insomnia Connect with YOURCREATIVECHORD on Pinterest, Instagram, Twitter, Linkedin and Facebook!  Pastel Sunset, Lexington, KY. Photo by Jenny Leigh Hodgins by Jenny Leigh Hodgins
How can the dark, depressing topic of memorial planning fit in with YourCreativeChord's purpose of nurturing creativity and inspiration, you ask? How can planning a memorial possibly be inspiring and beautiful? Fostering the energy for creative inspiration relies on the balance between practicing self-care and care for others. Nurturing inspiration is rooted in compassion for both self and others. When you muster your bravery to even think about the difficult topics of loss, death and grief, much less take the caring stance to make a clear plan for it, you ultimately make things easier for you and your loved ones. What could be more caring? What could be a more inspiring legacy to leave behind? Embrace The Opportunity To Celebrate & Joyfully Inspire Others When we think of things that inspire, we often use words like calm, peace of mind, zest for life, beautiful, passion, and comfort. Just as planning ahead for anything brings peace of mind, having your ducks in a row about end-of-life issues is a way to bring comfort, peace and calm to yourself and others. Preparing in advance can also lead to an incredibly beautiful celebration of life and an event that honors your memory. How inspirational! The alternative is not thinking about it. When we deny things or hide from reality, we end up suffering far worse. You and I will experience the inevitable end that happens to everyone at some point. When you make the effort to plan, out of your love for others, you bring beauty and celebration to your life’s ending. For both yourself and surviving loved ones. Clearly, death is a difficult subject. In our culture, the topic is mostly avoided, denied, or considered far removed from positive things like creativity and inspiration. Loss and grief are the most intense kind of suffering. But we all must face these. How do we nurture ourselves through difficult moments if we avoid dealing with them? Wouldn't it be more valuable to embrace our unavoidable, end-of-life issues as an opportunity to celebrate, honor, and joyfully inspire others to live even more fully? The reason I'm creating more content offering alternatives to traditional memorials and tips for preparing memorial agendas, obituaries, and programs is because I know what it’s like without the planning there in advance. People are enormously consoled when you have something planned ahead of time and when they can follow a structure based on your wishes. A thoughtful memorial plan and structure brings serenity, comfort, a sense of closure, and even healing to those dealing with loss. Meaningful Creativity Can Be Born From Both Suffering And Joy Many people think of strategies for inspiration as always being something positive. But from my personal experience, creativity can be born from both deep suffering and great joy. Many of my most valuable and meaningful creative expressions have come from dealing head-on with loss or through my experience of grieving a loved one. This is something that anyone can do. Addressing human pain is in sync with the heartening theme for nurturing your inspiration because we all experience it and we have the potential to create value from our suffering. Dealing directly with death, whether our own or others, can be the catalyst for tremendous inspiration. It can also lead to reviving a greater spirit for living in the present moment. Facing loss can fuel our efforts to cook, volunteer, garden, work with animals, dance, write poetry or stories, journal, compose music, paint or draw. Planning ahead for your memorial offers potential for the transformation of an intensely difficult experience into one of tremendously positive value, especially if you base your plans on your compassion for those who will be left behind. The peace of mind you gain from having a plan in place to deal with memorial issues is an inspiration to those around you. In this way, you demonstrate unequivocal care for yourself and others by making things easier for everyone through your sincere effort to plan ahead. That kind of sincere effort for others is a huge spark for inspired living. I’d love to hear from you. It means a lot to me that my content is helpful and empowers you. Please take a moment to join the conversation below to let me know if this blog is helpful or if you have questions or suggestions! Recommended Reading: 5 Ways to Master Caregiver Learning Curve How To Use Self-Care To Feel Happy Your Troubles Are Your Progress Barometer & Catalyst For Your Full Potential 5 Ways To Use Music & Nature For Self-Care Defeat Fear & Doubt with Your Courage & Capability How To Use Nature To Reinvigorate Your Spirit Find YourCreativeChord on Pinterest, Instagram, Twitter, Linkedinand Facebook! |
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